September 2011
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You were so afraid of the daemons in your head that you prayed to a god you don’t believe in, to bargain an impossible bargain with you. To exorcise the monsters from your mind, to bring back the monsters you feared from under your bed… the ones you used to be so afraid of, but stopped looking for once the darkness took your hand and led you far away from the implausible fears of daylight....
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Your eyes adjusted to the darkness, resigned to the idea that the light was not to appear in the future. The belief that you were unlovable was amplified by the tightness of darkness. The suffocating grip it had on you was enough to make you lose your sense of mind. Your direction had crossed paths with the monsters that occupied your mind, unpacking their suitcases for a lengthy stay, reaping you...
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In time your heart was broken by more people and more situations than you could have ever imagined. Your belief that there was something wrong with you, that you were doing something wrong, was only reinforced by the devils in your mind – the ones that slowly tucked you away from the outside world and introduced you to a darkened place. The dark of night was taken to depths of charcoal...
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You understood the implications, but were sure that they could never impose themselves upon you. That they would not delve under your skin and tie you into little knots from the inside-out. Your disbelief of their power was your downfall. You called your own bluff, adding to the malicious connotations you drew around yourself.
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I want to travel
far away from here. I love my home, my town, my country - I feel safe, but I need to diverge, get away from my comfort zone.
America (New York), Iceland, Russia (St Petersburg), Nepal, Cambodia, Poland (Auschwitz), the Greek Islands (Santorini), and the parts of Europe I have already seen and strive to return to one day soon.
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Your scars mirror your discomfort with yourself, with the world. They tell the stories of fear, of confusion, of loneliness. Your heart was broken as a product of your own inability to cope. The world looked upon you in disdain, sneering at your attempt to smile; taking guesses about the broken face that hid underneath the mask you wore so faithfully, as you devoted yourself to lies of innocence. ...
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You were so afraid of losing everything that you pushed it away before it had the chance to be lost. Your heart was sinking slowly, anchored down by fear – of relationships, love, life, happiness. You hurt yourself, made yourself sad, lost the person you were and became too afraid to find someone new - in case you didn’t like that person either. There was no room for happiness, no patience for...
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I notice how much you’ve grown. Four years ago your heart was held together with pale sticky notes, posted on the walls of your chest reminding you, convincing you that you are ‘strong enough to handle this’ and that ‘things can only get better’. The sticky notes were peeling, reaching away from your heart, losing their grip on you, their influence on you; falling off one by one.
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